The Ladies Room...

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I work in a large facility (at least for around here), with a number of women. In my lab there are at least four ladies bathrooms that I am aware of. Let me say this as kindly as I can: some women are just nasty. I have seen several that don't wash their hands after they go, and others that did the half-flush. UM...yeah, you may have needed to flush that twice. And then clorox it, 'cuz DAYUM.

However, this past week...I experienced something that has never happened to me before. I walked into one of the larger bathrooms and had crossed the point of no return (the one in which they would be able to identify me by my shoes when I ran out of there gagging). *sniff sniff* OH LORD that is just awful. I almost choked it was so bad. I picked a stall and practiced breathing through my mouth while I took care of business. Not *that* business! If I have any sort of intestinal issues, I am going home, possibly breaking a few laws on the way if need be. That's just the way I operate.

So, there I am, trying hard not to gag, hurrying as fast as my bladder will allow, when I heard her open her door and begin to wash her hands. Just as I thought she was walking out, and I was about to exit my stall, out of politeness, I tried to put on my game face in the event that she was still around.

I usually don't have much of a poker face, but I willed the muscles around my nose and mouth to relax from the stench smelling grimace they had locked themselves into. I won't be winning any Oscars for my performance, because my eyes bugged out, and my nostrils instantly re-flared when she suddenly came back around the corner, pointed to her stall and said that she looked for some air freshener, but couldn't find any. Huh?

I was SO taken off guard that she had just owned up to what could be a record setting smelly turd, and was apologizing for it, that I literally stuttered. In all the years I have worked out there, not one single person has ever done that. Most of the time they will pretend it wasn't them, or that they didn't smell anything; other times they acknowledge the smell, but are quick to inform you that it wasn't them, and whoever was in here before them clearly had "issues".

But not this girl, not only had she ponied up to it, in the politest way possible, she actually had looked for some spray. I stuttered to her that I thought there might be some spray in the other bathroom down the hall, but I didn't finish that sentence before I started a new one, jumbling all of the words. Spray, here didn't see glade bathroom HELL I...don't...matches...Ihaven'tseen.here.ever.spray...candles good.

*crap*...what did I just say? jeez, I am a such a moron. At this point, it was her that couldn't get out of the bathroom fast enough to be away from the crazy lady.

I suddenly had a much better understanding of Amy Poehlers character in Deuce Bigelow: BALLHAIR!!

warning: not safe for work...at least wear headphones! :)



As a side note before people think I am making fun of people with Tourettes: I went to school with a guy from 3rd through 8th grade that had Tourettes that was mostly controlled through medication. However, he could come up with some off the wall stuff, and some kids were mean to him, I guess because they were just ignorant. However, I loved the rare occasions when he had an outburst, especially during Algebra...he always made the boring, much more interesting. Thanks Brian. :)