When we were living in our old house, I desperately needed to vacuum one weekend, as I had taken to wearing shoes in all parts of the house, even to bed. My girls, who don't wear shoes, unless forced, looked like they had grocery store feet. Nasty.
At the time, I had a Hoover Windtunnel Bagless something or other. Hunk.of.Junk. I HATE the bagless kind, because you have to pry the door open, empty it out, as you become enveloped in a Hiroshima-like cloud of fuzzy dirt nastiness; then take out the hepa filter, that reeks like wet dog, beat it against the fence outside, shaking off all the remaining dirt, creating another dust-bowl cloud that blankets you in even more crap.
Then you have to try to shove the filter back in the right way, and then put the plastic "waste container" back into the properly fitted slots, which is NO EASY feat...let me tell you. The average idiot would never be able to figure the mechanics in all of that out. Good thing I am an above average idiot. ;)
I had to do this for every 1/2 (yes, you read that right, ONE HALF) of room that I vacuumed. Three times for the living room alone. When I finished vacuuming, I looked like the Miner 49'er, minus the cool beard.
And on top of that...the opening hole to the hose, just beyond the agitator brush would get clogged up very easily. A little too easily, if you ask me.
So, in order to get to that, you have to remove all four 12" long screws. To remove the screws...you need the right sized Phillips head screwdriver. This is easier said than done as my husband tries to hide his good tools from me; you know, the ones that will actually unscrew something. Instead, I am left with the 15 Pack-O-ScrewStrippers from The Dollar Store (retail value $4.99) that I got as a stocking stuffer one year. Thanks a lot Santa.
After searching for the right one for at least 30 minutes, and then tucking it in my waistband, sneaking through the house so that he doesn't know I am messing with the vacuum cleaner again...(or playing with his tools), I am ready to remove the nasty agitator brush to get to the hose.
With that off, and only losing one of the FOOT LONG screws, I then have to find something long and skinny to pry that crap out with. It's ironic that the screws I just removed aren't long enough. A little household tip here: I do NOT recommend the sharp side of bamboo skewers. I can 100% guarantee you that it WILL puncture the obviously VERY cheap plastic hose. I found out that little nugget of information 10 MINUTES after using it the very first time and sucking up a Barbie Doll dress that needed to be pried out. (I may be an above average idiot; but I am still an idiot, nonetheless.)
But...that's what duct tape is for...and fortunately the silver matched the hose nicely. I was able to get away with that repair for almost 2 weeks before my husband noticed.
Him: What happened to the new vacuum cleaner?
Damyankee: What do you mean?
Him: Why is there duct tape on the hose?
Damyankee: (blink blink) I don't see anything.
Him: RIGHT THERE. The grey duct tape...RIGHT THERE on the HOSE!
Damyankee: Ohhhh! that duct tape. I didn't even notice it. Maybe it came like that?
That particular weekend, I was 1/2 way done with vacuuming the entire house, when I noticed that I didn't have as much suction. Crap...clogged hose. I found a screwdriver, and snuck the vacuum cleaner back to the bedroom, locked the door and took it apart. I unclogged it with a state of the art, precision-engineered coat hanger and then cut all of the strings, dental floss and about a pound of hair out of the agitator brush.
Very gently, I put the brush back on...being extremely careful to put the flimsy rubber band of a belt back on properly. I can LOOK at a belt and break it. Another household tip: in a pinch, duct tape can fix a broken belt too. In fact, duct tape can fix most anything, along with some Gorilla glue. :)
I then moved it back into the living room...as if nothing had happened. I turned it on and this cloud of white smoke started coming out from under it. DAYUM...I had blown another belt. The smell in unmistakable...and I couldn't get the febreze out fast enough before my husband was onto the fact that something had gone horribly wrong with the vacuum (again). And if that wasn't clue enough...he walked into the living room to see me kicking the crap out it.
What's worse is that I had to sell my previous vacuum, that I really liked, at a garage sale because I sucked up fresh soft-serve dog poo with it. (Hey. It's a garage sale...it's not like selling a house in which you have to disclose every little thing...jeez).
Apparently, my sweet little Rorie, who hates to get her wittle paws wet when it is the slightest bit damp outside, had just pooped underneath the little play table, on a dark rug, in my daughters room. I must have gone in there 30 seconds later to vacuum. The smell coming out of the exhaust after I sucked it up was absolutely hideous. *Sniff Sniff* Huh? Oh, no!!!...did I just suck up poo? OH HELL NO. I did!
Even though I scrubbed it, cleaned it, hosed it down, even bought new filters for it and then sprayed the filters with my some of my husband's Acqua Di Gio because it STILL stunk, every time I vacuumed it smelled sickeningly like "Acqua Di POOGio". Both the cologne and the vacuum cleaner had to go after that, and I made a few people at my garage sale very happy that day, at least until they got home. What a bargain.
As for the Windtunnel Hunk O Junk, I wouldn't have wished that vacuum on my worst enemy. Although it technically worked, even after I kicked the crap out of it, I threw it straight in the garbage and went and bought a much nicer one that I haven't broken...yet. :)
1 comment:
In tears, laughing! Thank you for that.
Jeff
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