For those of you not Disneyfied, Typhoon Lagoon is one of two Disney water parks. It is a beautiful park, very tropical, which is pretty nice when it is hotter than the hinges of HELL if you are stupid enough to choose to go to Disney World in June. Although we were ridiculously lucky when we visited that week that it was only in the low 90's, I don't care who you are...that's STILL HOT. Factor in the humidity and even larger bugs than Mississippi has, and you are a complete moron if you decide to vacation there in the summer at all. That being said, I sure hope we can go back next year!! If you have ever read even one blog, you already know that we are morons.
SO...where does this adventure begin? *sigh*...
There we are, about to embark on our one day visit to the water park. I, Queen Moron, decided to wear "Old Faithful". Women know what I am talking about. Old Faithful is the bathing suit you have had so long, it is an extension of yourself, an appendage really. It no longer looks good on you, it just serves a purpose: You can get out of it to pee. That's right...I said it. It's the comfortable bathing suit that you really shouldn't even wear in your back yard, even if Favorite Neighbors aren't home, much less out in public.
You see, bathing suits for more...ahem...mature women aren't made of the usual material that you see women under 40 wearing. Women over 40 are wearing bathing suits constructed of rebar and space-age trampoline material. There may even be some of that sham-wow crap in there, I can't say for sure.
Take the ever popular Miracle Suit...guaranteed to make you look 10 lbs thinner. It's claims are absolutely true. You see, it sucks in all your stomach fat and pushes it into your boobs. If you are an A/B cup, you look fabulous. If you are a C/D cup, well...you look like Dolly Parton. It cinches your waist, lifts your butt, and gives you a brazillian wax. Ok, I am kidding on that last part, but it really does make you look like a much better you. The only catch is: if you take it off, you can't get the damn thing back on if its wet. It's physically impossible. You can't pull it to the side either if you have to use the ladies room. The steel netting just won't allow it. It would take the Jaws of Life to wrench that sucker to the side.
Your only option is to take the whole thing off, do your thing, hang your bathing suit on the hook provided, stand in just your flip-flops in the stall of the nasty bathroom of the Water Park, hoping to God that it will dry off soon enough that not TOO many people will be looking at your bucked naked booty through the crack of the stall.
YES...that's happened at Geyser Falls. Lloyd finally sent someone in there to look for me because he got worried. It takes 30 minutes for one of those suits to dry enough to get back on. That's a whole lot of people looking through the crack of the stall at your nakedness wondering what the hell you are doing. Just drying off...
Anyway, having had that little situation happen the previous year, I opted to wear Old Faithful to Typhoon Lagoon. I figured I would never see anyone I knew, and I don't care if strangers think I look like a whale. It's not as if I haven't seen a hundred Chewbacca looking European guys wearing banana hammocks at other water parks. At the very least, I am mowed down, and completely covered. A veritable super-model in comparison.
SO...One of the first things we decided to check out was the wave pool.
I have been to a lot of water parks, and spent a fair amount of time in wave pools...they are a lot of fun. This one, truly, is the biggest one I have ever seen. It's absolutely enormous. Every three minutes you hear a GONG, everyone starts screaming, and they release...one tsunami style wave. So, there I am, standing in about hip deep water, I hear the GONG, the crowd goes crazy and I noticed that everyone is turning around, placing their backs to the wave. Huh...interesting.
Like the good sheeple I am, I follow suit. Baaaa.
I turn around, and this wave (way way over my head now) propelled me forward about 10 feet, smack dab into the back of this young college guy in front of me. The only problem was that it also knocked off the top part of my suit.
So, me and my Mamaw boobs...are planted squarely on this poor guys back. In fact, I knocked him down, I am laying down on top of him...
bare boobed...writhing....desperately trying to get up
with more and more water rushing over the top of me, I couldn't get up, no matter how much I fought it, or how much he tried to get me off of him. Truth be told, he was just a little fella...he never had a chance.
[momma's gonna take good care of you]
You know, in some states, I could go to jail for lesser things than what just happened...
SO...the wave finally passes, and I am now in 18 inches of water, panicking, trying to get my suit back on...he's out from under me, but my boobs are scraping some seriously rough concrete.
I tried to apologize to him, but what do you say? UM...yeah...sooo....I am really sorry about just molesting your back with my big 'ol mamaw boobs... Meanwhile, he is just stammering, "uh uh uh uh uh", his buddies...are literally peeing in their pants laughing. Awesome.
Humiliated, I finally got Old Faithful back on. I really didn't care that lefty was trying to sneak out of the armhole, and that righty was pointed due north. Adjusting and positioning them at that point would have seemed a little superfluous. Coverage was the only consideration. Head hanging down, I went and went and sat with the other Mamaws and Papaws in the shade, where I belonged, looking around to see who had video camera's.
I haven't looked on YouTube, but with as many people that were there, the odds aren't really in my favor that someone WASN'T videoing their grand kids playing in the wave pool that day, and got more video than they bargained for. Hopefully they just don't know how to post it on the internet.
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