My killer black thumb....

I have several friends that are gardeners and absolutely love to work in their yard. Certainly, their yard is a testament to that: Beautiful flowers, trees and bushes that aren't overgrown, hanging baskets with gorgeous ferns, and much more.

Then you look at my yard. The majority of the bushes in my front flower bed need to be trimmed and shaped. The monkey grass (which I thought was cool at first) is in dire need of thinning, so I have been told. I would do that...but ummm, I have no idea what that means. I know now that "thinning" doesn't mean that you weedwhack all of them down to nubbins; I tried that last year and they are twice as thick and out of control this year.

[monkey grass that I don't know how to "thin"]

At least the bushiness is hiding the majority of the weeds lurking behind them when you view my house from the street. It's only when you are half way up my driveway that you notice the overgrown jungle quality of landscape that I am cultivating.

As far as the bushes go, every time I trim them, the results are less than spectacular. Each year, I bring out the electric hedge clippers and within a minute, zzzzttttt....I slice right through the first extension cord. (I generally cut through 2 of them a year...it is a wonder that I have not electrocuted myself yet). After I cut through a cord, and then subsequently drop (or throw) the hedge trimmer to protect myself from the electrical arc, I look around to see which neighbors may have been watching. I try to ignore the guy across the street sitting in a lawn chair, drinking a beer, laughing. He seriously needs to get a life.

Sheepishly, I pick it up the remnants, remove all of the garbage bags from the outdoor can, place the cord in and throw it all back on top. I would rather my husband not know that I have killed another one. Although, he may be on to me; for every gift giving occasion, at least one of the gifts...is a new extension cord. (another one? I have like 50 of these.) Mmm...no you don't.

Sooooo.....after stealing another cord from his shop, I begin trimming again. This too, is not my forte. I think that the bushes (species unknown...they are greenish) are supposed to be "boxy" looking, and uniform in size, almost like a hedge. Not so much, when I get done with them. The ones near the front door start out 4ft high and develop a distinct downward slant as I head towards the garage ending with bushes only 2.5 ft tall when I am done. I tell myself they were uneven to begin with. Small tufts of uncut branches can be seen all along the top, and front. I have learned that going to back to "fix" those is much like cutting your own bangs. No good can come from it. I am a pro at skinning a bush back to nothing. No leafy greenery, just diseased looking bald spots. Eh...who cares? it will grow back. Maybe.

[These are much straighter than I normally cut, but the skinning is about right.]

The azalea, that I didn't know was an azalea, and thought was an overly grown weed (due to the lack of flowers at the time), was pruned back completely to the ground. Needless to say, it didn't bloom this year and looks sort of sad and pathetic. At least it is in the back, disguised by my uneven boxy-hedge bushes.

The crepe myrtles are also pruned, but...again, I have no idea what I am doing. I don't know how far down to prune them, so I figured that more is better and they become sticks when I am through.

[Crepe Myrtles when I am done.]

When I am finally finished and have everything cleaned up (the only part that I am truly good at) I walk out to the street to survey my progress. *sigh* It looks like something Edward Scissorhands would have created, if he was a crackhead. Southern Living will not be calling this year, either.

I have tried to google landscape maintenance; it tends to work better if you know the actual name of the plants that you are trying to maintain. "White fluffy thingie" produces results of everything from cotton plants to mold and nothing that seems to resemble anything in my yard. By sight, I can only name roses, dandelions, pine trees and magnolia trees. That's pretty much it. All other growing "thingies" remain a mystery to me.

[I know that *this* is a Magnolia Tree]

I really do wish that I had less of a black thumb, but after this many years of trying and failing, it was not meant to be. I would be satified with contained and not dead looking. My neighbors may not love my yard, but if any one of them wants to come over and take over my horticultural duties, OR submit my house to Desperate Landscaping, I promise they will get no argument from me.