AT&T...how can we help you?

I had to call AT&T on Saturday. I knew it was going to be an ordeal, so I put it off as long as possible. I have been experiencing intermittent problems with my DSL service. I moved the modem from one computer to another, changed out all of the cables, performed all of the diagnostic tests, with no luck in fixing it. Several times, I attempted to go to the fast-access section on their website to obtain the phone number, but just as I was about to get the page to load, my DSL would fail. Coincidence? I think not. Somewhere around 1:00 AM the previous evening, I was able to sneak on; I figured that the sadistic operator monitoring my internet traffic to AT&T's website had either fallen asleep, or had gone to get something from the vending machine thereby allowing me just enough time to write down the phone number.

After stalling for two hours Saturday morning, psyching myself up to enter the gates of AT&T hell, I finally called and was greeted by the friendly AT&T automated representative (AR): Welcome to AT&T Technical Support. We are currently experiencing a high call volume. By choosing to wait, you will essentially be wasting your entire day on hold. Press 1 to waste your entire day on hold. Donde esta el bano cerveza fria por favor numero dos.

Damyankee:I pressed 1. Let the games begin.

AR, still friendly: Please enter in the number from which you have are experiencing difficulties.

Damyankee:6015555555.

Still friendly AR: 6 0 1 5 5 5 5 5. Is this correct? Press 1. Donde esta el bano cerveza fria por favor numero dos.

Damyankee:1.

Still friendly AR: Please describe the nature of your problem in as few words as possible.

Damyankee:My modem sucks.

AR: I am sorry, I did not understand. Would you repeat that please?

Damyankee:(Hmm...she must not be programmed to understand the word "sucks"). My modem has "issues".

Still friendly AR: I am sorry I still do not understand, would you be more specific?

Damyankee:DSL.not.working.

Still friendly AR: One moment, while I transfer your call.

Several minutes pass by while I listen to marketing ads encouraging me to visit the Fast Access website to troubleshoot my technical problem. If I wasn't getting so aggravated at the time, I would have found that amusing.

Not quite as perky AR: Please listen to your choices carefully and then make your selection. Press 1 if you are having problems with your email. Press 2 if you are experiencing problems with your modem. Press 3 if you are installing your DSL for the first time. Press 4 if you are just plain stupid and are unsure as to the nature of your problem. Donde esta el bano cerveza fria por favor numero cinco. Press 6 to repeat these choices.

Damyankee:I press 2, but was considering 4 to see if that got me anywhere faster.

Semi-Friendly AR: Thank you. Did you also know that you can troubleshoot your problem on our Fast-Access DSL website? Simply access the website and select technical problem. You may also reboot your modem by removing the power cord for 5 seconds and then restarting your computer. (a minute or so passes by with catchy latin music in the background) Does this resolve your problem? (wait...I was supposed to be doing something?)

Damyankee:No it does not. I cannot access the website as I do not have internet. My DSL is not working.

It may have been my imagination, but I felt as though the AR was losing patience with me. Her tone seemed a bit more antagonistic: One moment please. You may also chat with one of our technical representatives through our new and improved chat service located on our Fast-Access DSL website. Simply access our website and select the chat button on the right hand corner. Would you like to chat with a representative on our website?

Damyankee:No. I would not. I HAVE NO DSL. I want to talk to a human.

AR: I am sorry, I did not understand that.

Damyankee:Me. Talk. Human Being. DSL bad. (A new low for me: I have now resorted to caveman speak with the a computer generated voice, but in fairness, she started it.)

AR: I am sorry, I did not understand that either.

Damyankee:Hooomooooo Saaaaaapiiiieeeen.

AR, downright snotty now: One moment please while I transfer you to a Technical Service Representative. We anticipate that your hold time will be one minute.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. *27* minutes later, with my bladder about to explode, and my young son running around with a Sharpie, daring me to catch him, I am finally connected to Technical Representative Paul. (cue harp and Angel music).

He apologized for the wait time. I told him that I didn't mind waiting to speak to an actual human being, but I did mind having to deal with the automated representative with an attitude problem for 42 minutes before I was placed into the "privilege of speaking to a human being" queue. He said he understood. (riiiiiiiight). I would like to state for the record, that 99.9% I am very nice to technical support people on the phone. While I am sure they are glad to have a job, it still sucks. I know many of you will find this hard to believe, what with my sunny disposition and all, but I once worked as a tech rep. Good afternoon, this is Damyankee, how may I help you? Worst.Job.Ever.

They have to deal with people that have just waited in the bowels of phone queue hell just to get to get the privilege of speaking to them. Although these human representatives are the ultimate destination, they aren't the ones that designed the elaborate support system exclusively purposed to encourage the caller to give up long before actually speaking to a paid person that breathes air. It's a lose-lose situation.

More importantly, as to why I am nice to them, and this is key: They have the "power". If they sense that you have an attitude problem, you may experience an "unfortunate technical disconnection" [UTD], and you *will* start the process again. (muwahahaha). Or, if you are acting only semi-buttheadish, they will put you on hold (telling you they need to speak to their manager), take 5 other calls, or go to lunch while you wait. If, after 45 minutes, you are still "holding", and you seem repentant upon their return, they may work to resolve your problem. Of course, I was never like that.

As it turns out, my modem is defective and he is replacing it at no cost, for which I am grateful. He also encouraged me to call back when my modem arrives to receive instructions on installation. I laughed and told him that I would rather have a colonoscopy performed, without anesthesia, before I would call AT&T again. He also laughed and said that he understood. :)