The dreaded swimsuit shopping season. NOTHING...not even spiders can send me into a tizzy as easily as having to go shopping for a new swimsuit. As I have stated before, I am no Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model. Hell, I couldn't even make it into Field & Stream modeling fish bait in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, I like to go to the pool and most especially the beach, and in general, those locales require a swimsuit of some variety. Whatever happened to the oldschool 1920's suits that covered your whole body?
For that matter, why aren't scuba suits acceptable beach wear? Surely they can make something that you won't roast in, but protects you from the suns rays, covers up (and CONTAINS) all necessary areas of fat...and looks good too? I think there is a market for it...I really do.
So, here is how swimsuit shopping works for me. In the car on the way to the store, I psych myself up: This year...you will find a suit that looks good on you, is the right color, style and allows you to either lay out or swim, and I repeat this until I am able to get out of the car and force myself into the swimsuit department. You see, several years back, before I was ever pregnant with Cole, I very dumbly bought a bikini. My first...since high school. I didn't look great in it, but the lighting must have been extraordinarily good in the store because *I* thought I looked acceptable.
I should note for the record, that any store that sells swimsuits, should put at least one chaise lounge in their dressing rooms. Because, what looks good while you are standing up, sucking everything in...may *not* look quite as good when you actually go to lay down on the chaise lounge.
So, there I was...at our neighborhood pool...I went to lay down on the chaise lounge...and my left boob decided that it was no longer going to be contained within the confines of the given material, and that it would rather go hang out nearer, if not under my left armpit. I felt pretty bad for the little kids playing in the toddler pool that day. They got to watch "the crazy lady" try to wrestle my left "girl" back into a piece of material that was roughly 2 square inches wide. I think Janet Jackson would have called that a "wardrobe malfunction".
Lesson learned. Now, the second reason for the need for a chaise lounge in the department store...you have to make sure that you can successfully flip over to your stomach while wearing your swimsuit. And it would be NICE to be able to see what you actually look like, while doing that. I have "issues" with chaise lounges. Rarely a season goes by that I do not collapse one, while trying to do "the flip", which usually ends up with my butt pointed towards the sky which causes the back of my suit to cinch up into the crack of my @ss, as I disentangle my legs and arms from between the pvc strips. Again...a sight no one really wants to see. As for the stores that sell swimsuits...they really need to do away with those fun-house mirrors. They should also put one of those disclaimer stickers on them that says..."caution...objects in the mirror ARE much larger than they appear" . Unless of course, you get a dressing room with the dreaded 3-way mirror. Even if you DON'T have any self-esteem issues, you will after checking out your butt in a swimsuit in one of those. And it really doesn't matter what size you are...a 4, 14 or 24: NO ONE looks good in those. NO ONE.
So, I discovered at the end of last years swimming season...a new kind of suit. They call it The Miracle Suit. My family and I were at a waterpark late last summer, and standing in front of me was this very attractive older lady, wearing a gorgeous swimsuit. I couldn't help but stare at her, as she was at least 10 years older, but she looked stunning in her suit. (b!tchIhateher), and I, by comparison, wearing a raggedy t-shirt and shorts over my suit, looked like I had been hanging out at the local cow pond all day long. So...when I got home, I decided to try to locate the suit she was wearing. I am, what you would call...a google guru. If it's out there...I will find it. It only took me about 15 minutes, and I located it. GOOD LORD...these things are expensive, no wonder she looked so good! I had to have one, but wasn't willing to pay that kind of money for something that may or may not work. The only solution...EBAY. So, I locate the exact suit, in my size and ordered it at a steep discount, NWT, of course, lol. It supposedly has a three-way containment material. I wasn't even aware there were two ways, but I digress...
My suit comes in and it is gorgeous. Plus, it is guaranteed to make you look 10lbs thinner. In my opinion, a true miracle would be 20lbs thinner, but beggars can't be choosers. The moment arrives, I tried it on. It really did make me look 10lbs thinner. It sucked my stomach in, to a near flat level, my waist looked several inches smaller, as did my hips, my butt was lifted, my boobs were where they were supposed to be, I didn't have fat trying to sneek out the back or the sides, and it hadn't pushed all the fat down to my knees. It really was a true miracle, but I still wonder...where DOES all that fat go? Of course, now that I have been working out...it is too big, and I am going to have to buy another one.
Let the anxiety begin.
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