I overheard a conversation

Orginally posted April 16, 2007...

A few years ago while standing in line at the bank. One teller, a lady in her 60's was talking to another teller, a lady in her 50's. The older teller was telling the one how she had made an apple pie for her "momma', and her momma complained for two days about how awful her pie was, she had added to much sugar, didn't cook it long enough, the crust was store bought…on and on. The other lady was commiserating saying that her momma was getting on to her about something she had worn out to go shopping, that she needed to "lose a few" before she thought about wearing that out in public. I started chuckling to myself and of course, interjected myself into the conversation. I said to the older lady, "I guess it just doesn't matter how old you get…you will always be a child in their eyes, huh?". The older lady started laughing and agreed, and said that she hadn't been doing anything right for over 60 years now.

I have been feeling that way for a good long time. I don't necessarily believe that it is my parents fault however. You see…my parents are first born children, and I am their first born. My dad was military, and my mom was an Army Brat. So, what do you get when you cross two hardcore TYPE A people? You get an UBER Type A, which is what I am. I haven't always been this way…I bucked it for a long time. Deep down, I want to be a slob, careless, free-spirited, easy-going and disorganized. Instead, I get hives when my house gets too cluttery, when I have more than 4 loads of laundry to do, when dishes are left out overnight, when shoes are laying around the floor in every room.

I have made my husband drive miles and miles out of the way because I didn't like the appearance of the outside of a gas station, when having to use the bathroom. He knows better now, and only goes to "4-star" stations. I have visted other peoples homes and fidgeted the entire time because I had the equivalent of a pound of cat hair stuck to me (not that I mind cats…just don't want to wear a cat-suit), and then broke out into a cold sweat as I watched their pets eating off of their counters, licking utensils as they were serving me dinner.

I have a budget planned out for the next two years, and live by it, with a fanaticism that is a little scary. I try to anticipate every thing that could possibly go wrong in most any given scenario and plan for it. At one point, I organized all of my canned goods and dry goods and alphabetized them, then entered them all into a database, so that I could more easily create grocery lists. Sick. My husband will tell you, if we have people coming over…the house has to get "company clean", which is a whole different level of clean than ordinary everyday clean. Worse, if my parents are coming over…it goes to DEFCON 5 clean.

WHY? Because my dad notices every single little thing, and while I don't even believe it is conscious on his part, he comments on it. For example, the girls were gone for the weekend and had not cleaned their rooms. Normally, I make them get their rooms at least presentable, but this time I didn't. He of course, noticed…and said something about their rooms in a passing comment, which of course…made me feel bad that I was a bad parent because the girls rooms were messy.

So, I spent the better part of the following day cleaning the girls rooms from top to bottom, moving the dressers out, emptying toy boxes, scrubbing baseboards. Insane…right? I know.

But, even though he likely meant nothing by the comment…(I hope), I was back to being 5 years old again, and having screwed something up. Now, my brothers aren't like me in this regard. They don't give a rat's ass what my parents think about them, their houses, their cars, their lifestyles. Why? Because they are not the first born. You always screw up with that one. Lol…it's like the "practice kid". By the time you have a few more, you realize what does and doesn't work. By the time you have a 3rd one, you know perfectly well that you don't have to sterilize the nipples and pacifiers every week. Hell…they could fall in a pile of dirt and the most you may do is blow the excess off and stick it right back in their mouth. And I can see this in Cole. He is a much more laid back child than poor Kayla will ever be.

So, if I know all this…then why don't I try to change it? I could no more change it…than a leopard could change its' spots. It is who I am. I will always push myself to do better, I will always set the bar much higher than I may ever reach. I have to believe that some good comes from this…maybe it is that I know that when things get rough, I always seem to come out ok. At least that is what I am telling myself while I eat TUMS like they are tic-tacs, lol.